Don’t Let It Consume You

Updated: May 3, 2019

Does anyone ever have a bad dream that feels so real you wake up crying? It could be random or recurring but it happens and it ruins your whole morning. I just had one last night and it’s a dream that happens every few years. The same exact dream that haunts me and shakes me up so badly.

My dream is about my father who passed away when I was 14. He was addicted to heroin and just as real as his addiction was, so it this dream. I’d like to share it with you all because I’m interested in seeing if anyone else has experienced anything like this or hear about your recurring dreams. I always tend to look up my dreams to interpret the meaning behind them just to see what it could possibly be linked to. Here’s my occasional recurring nightmare.

It starts off with a phone call. I keep trying to get ahold of him but I can’t reach him. I keep looking for him but I can’t find him. We’re in the city of Baltimore where I grew up and all I want is to find my dad. I ask around to the people I know if they have seen him but nobody has. Then I run into my first boyfriend and ask him if he’s seen him. He says he’s seen him a lot walking the streets over in a bad area. I ask him to take me so I can find him. After hours of waiting and scoping out the scene I still can’t find him. I sit in a local pizza shop staring out the window like a lost dog and I keep trying to call him but he doesn’t answer. There is a group of people across the street giving me dirty looks and talking trash but I continue to sit there and mind my business hoping that my dad will appear. These people come over and try to start shit with me and I tell them not to mess with me but they keep trying and testing my patience. The guys tells one of the girls to go say something to me so she comes over and I tell her that they are assholes and I’m sad because I miss my dad and I know he’s dead. They back off and leave me be. I think I see my dad walking past some store on the corner so I run out to get him but it’s some random guy who resembles him. I apologize and walk away. I think I see him again and run to him but just like that, he’s gone. I keep seeing him but he disappears each time before I can get to him. I sit on a bench in the dark in the city just waiting for him to come back and then I realize he’s not going to because he’s gone.

I wake up whimpering and crying and cannot fall back asleep. I lay there while tears roll down my face and I keep asking myself in my head, “are you here, dad?” Then my left arm gets chills and the hair stands up. I question it again and my entire body gets tingling chills. I wonder if he’s really here with me. I want to believe it was him giving me a sign that he is still around but I don’t know. When I go back to sleep, I’m back in the city sitting on the same bench in total darkness with one street light that wont stop flickering. I keep seeing his shadow but I don’t go after him. He walks past as I get on the bus and disappears. I never see him again. I never hear from him again. I think it shakes me up so badly because I never got to say goodbye. He never had a funeral. There was never a remembrance ceremony. There was nothing. Today is exactly one month after his 14 year death anniversary which is kinda weird to have a dream like that considering the timeline. And his first and only grandchild will be turning 8 months old in 2 days. My interpretation of the dream is that I may not be able to physically see him but he is around. He’s among the shadows. He is with us even when I don’t feel presence.

Having recurring dreams like this can be so crazy and feel so real. But it’s just a dream, right? How do you handle that? Cry it out. It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. Bad dreams happen and they can consume you if you allow it to. You don’t have to forget the dream but you have to move on from it so it doesn’t effect your mood for the rest of the day. My way of dealing with it was to write about it. I don’t want to forget the dream. I want to remember it when it happens again in a few years from now. I want to see if anything has changed in the dream. I want to know if the story shifts at all. I want to know what happens next. Will I ever talk to him? Will I ever find him? If I do, what will he say? What will he look like? What is the outcome? Or will it just be the same as the ones before? So many questions that can never be answered. But having this piece to come back to will help me to analyze and put pieces together. I feel like a detective trying to solve a mystery. Nothing will come of this and again, it’s just a dream so it’s not really real but it feels real so I want to know the ending. I want this dream to end and maybe this is how I end it. I have to find all the clues and solidify the story to find the outcome. Am I the only person that feels this way?

If you’ve had any dreams about loved ones who have passed, I’d love to hear your story. And if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, do not push them away. Keep them close and help them find their way out of the darkness. Addiction is very real. Dreams are also real. Find the light in each dark corner. Every story has an ending but what matters most is that you live to tell it.

Tell me your story. I’m listening.


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